So.....yeah.

I was going through old posts recently to find one particular one. I can't remember the exact reason. While searching I did re-read some of my more recent posts. From the last year or so.
Yikes.
Depressed much?
The subject of depression has come up lately with some of the peeps I know from a scrappy message board. See, I went off my meds in May of last year. I had worked with my naturopath to slowly wean myself off the stuff I was taking. (Wellbutrin XR and I can't remember the name of the anti-anxiety med).
Going off the meds hit me hard. I slept a LOT. I hadn't felt like the meds were doing much for me when I was taking them. I was still as tired as I had been without them. Or so I thought. Holy crap, I went off those things and I could have slept all day. It was almost impossible to do anything. I couldn't motivate myself to even do things that I loved.
Then the money situation around here hit critical mass.
I got a job. Honestly, I didn't really think it through when I applied. The site said that the store wasn't hiring for the positions I had applied for. When they called I was excited. I mean, it's nice to be wanted right? There was something in my application that made me stand out, maybe? I think I'm a pretty good catch for the kinds of companies I can get a job with. (I'll try to not go off on my inability to get a decent job because I don't have a college degree or any experience. Seriously? I can't get experience if you won't give me a freaking job! Sorry, I said I'd try, that's no promise). So anyway, they hired me.
I was nervous about the drug test because I am somehow able to fail those without ever doing drugs.
Initially they gave me 10 hours or so a week. I was stressed. I thought that I needed to work as much as possible to actually help pay our bills. When they went ahead and started scheduling me full time I was completely unprepared.
Kinda lost my shit.
I'm not saying this to be dramatic, but I have never thought as much or as seriously about killing myself as I did all winter. I still needed to look into whether or not my life insurance would still pay out if I did it. I was trying to figure out how long it would take so that I would leave the kids unsupervised for the least amount of time before their dad got home without allowing him time to stop me. Thought about it a lot. I was so depressed that it was almost hard to breathe sometimes. It was crushing.
I honestly couldn't tell you what it is that's made me start to come out of that. All the issues I've had since going off the meds have eased up a lot lately. Maybe it's because we had a hope of being able to pay our freaking bills again. Maybe it's because I'm occasionally told that I can quit my job if I want. Granted, every time he tells me I can quit he changes his mind, but it's much easier to drag my sorry butt out of bed every day knowing that I can just stop if I want. Not that I would even know where to go and who to talk to.
The fact that I've had some energy lately has been amazing. I have hardly done a freaking thing since having the twins. I'm not exactly feeling quite like I did before getting pregnant with them, but it's a huge improvement. Makes me want to be back home even more so I could spend time with Tucker and start working out again. The exercising would only help my energy level and mood. Soon enough, I hope.
What's the point? Well, there are a few. One, going off anti-depressants sucks! Holy crap, does it suck. Two, I apologize. I do understand that I live a good life. I have a healthy family that I love more than anything. When you're in the depths of that kind of depression those aren't the things you think about. Three, I apologize some more. Things have weighed on me a lot. I have been a flake. I owe many people all sorts of things (calls, projects, etc). Needing to catch up on all that crap is what's getting to me now. You know when you're in so deep that you don't even know where to begin? I'm about there right now. I'm thinking that I need to go back to my old habit of making detailed lists of things that I need to do and when they're due to be finished by. When I can start going back and working on things I've never finished I'll know that it's time to throw a party.
It's gonna be a while.

Look out. I's bloggin.

Blah. Blah.
Usual reasons why I never blog.
Blah.

Anyway...hi.
Today was good times at work. I tweeted that it was "Murphy's Law Day" at Target. Holy crap fest of crapness. We had to laugh at the sucktasticness of it all.
Last night was inventory night. They pay a company to come and do the inventory, but for some reason they also schedule virtually every other person that works in the store. This just means that the day after inventory is FUN. Bare bones staff, one manager on duty to take care of every phone call, every complaint, anything. She was running all over the place. And she's pregnant and in her first trimester. How crappy is that for her?
The team I work on has at least four people scheduled every day, if not five. Today we were short one person because she had to work the inventory fun shift. Another person has school and doesn't work on Mondays and Wednesdays. So another girl and I get there at six and the last person comes in at nine. Oh, except that we get told at eight that she called out. Um, crap. So we were running all day, trying to get things done. While doing all that running our PDAs (the scanning guns) go down for an update. They stay down for 20+ minutes. Then they come up and go down again repeatedly for the next 20-30 minutes while we try to just get some work done before going to lunch. Good times (did I mention that?) We're totally running behind, we're 2 people short, then our equipment goes down. We were pretty happy to get out of there when our shift was over.
It may not have helped our attitudes that on Tuesday we were so ahead that we were going to be done and able to go home before lunch...until the manager found out. We had to go to lunch then come back and help get some product out on the floor. At least that went pretty quickly. I ended up getting off work even later than I was originally scheduled, though. oops.
Okay. I'm not in the mood for more blogging tonight. I've been cleaning and I'm sleepy from being up early for work.
Back soon with poop related stories from the depths of the Targets.