What would you do?

I'm still married. Barely. That seems to be the first thing that I get asked by anyone that reads this or knows what's going on.
What I usually mention is that the things that make me so unhappy are things that have bothered me for a long time and have only gotten worse. It's easy to look past things that bother you when, for the most part, life is good.
Life isn't good anymore, and it's not getting better.
I wonder what anyone else would do in my situation. I have agreed to go to counseling, but the only free counseling he could find is through the courts. Um, maybe you haven't known me for very long, but I have less than no faith in the AZ court system. I've been the victim of a rape, a theft, an assault and just lost my son through this system and the courts here have done nothing but make my life worse.
So, yeah. Not doing anything through the courts. That means no counseling until we can afford it. Considering that we can't afford groceries most weeks and that the kids are wearing torn clothes to school that they've had for years, it'll be a while if there's any counseling. I don't know that it'll still matter. I'm also hurt to think that I've begged for something from him for so long. He's not willing to give me the love, kindness or affection I need, so how will going to a counselor help that? I've never been to a couples counselor, so I don't know. I can't change him, I can only change myself. I'm willing to do things that will make me very unhappy if it means that it would make things better for us, but I'm not willing to be the only one that changes. If I'm telling him exactly what I need and he's not willing to do anything for me, how will someone else telling him to do it help? I really don't know. I am still willing to go, but I just don't know that we'll make it that long.
Many of the things that I need are things that I've begged for for years. I miss feeling loved. I miss being treated like someone that he cares about. I miss feeling happy that we at least have each other and understand each other. I miss having someone that would do as much for me as I would for them. I hate feeling so alone. I hate it that the only hugs and kisses I get are from my baby. I can't force anyone to like me, let alone love me (and I shouldn't have to).
For years I looked past those things. I looked past the fact that I don't get any attention (physical or otherwise). I had a house to take care of (that I couldn't keep up with after having the twins). I had twins in preschool that kept me busy and exhausted. I had hobbies. I had money to buy things to keep me busy. To keep my mind off of things.
The other thing I had? Pills.
Anti-depressants do a lot to help you to not care about things. Anything, really. I didn't get excited about anything. I didn't get sad about anything. I didn't feel much of anything besides tired. It makes it easy to not be bothered by things that would normally hurt you. I was thankful that they would also kill my sex drive because then I didn't have to be hurt as much by being ignored. I didn't have to worry about being turned down because it was very rare that I would think about it. What if I had never taken those pills? Would things have ended a long time ago? What if I still took them? Would I just go back into my own little world where I don't care that I mean nothing to the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with?
Again, what would you do?
I've had a physically abusive boyfriend and I don't know that what I went through then was worse than what I'm going through now.
I'm not verbally abused or anything, I'm just treated like nothing. Like if I wasn't around it wouldn't matter. Would you prefer indifference over abuse? I don't know that I do.
I hate being treated like I'm nothing by the person I should be able to trust with anything. It kills me to know that I'm not worth the slightest amount of effort from him. We were fighting last night and he just decided he was done and went to bed. It was unpleasant. It was upsetting him. He just decided that it wasn't worth talking about things with me because he didn't like it and that was that.
This is the problem.
I need something. ANYTHING.
Take some action.
Put up a fight.
Act like you wouldn't be fucking ecstatic if we split up because it would mean more time for you to drink beer and do nothing.
Act like our marriage is a priority in your life.
Act like I'm a priority in your life.
Act like you care whether or not your family is homeless.
Act like you care that your kids already look like they are because they need clothes.
Act like you're trying to support your family.
Act like you care about something besides doing nothing.
Stop saying that you'll do things that you have no intention of doing.
Stop blaming me for the way that I act in response to the way that you treat me. You started the cycle, feel free to stop it.
I need things that I've been begging for for years. I'm tired of begging. I'm tired of being nothing to you. If I mean nothing to you, why are we still together? I need to be loved and you don't love me.

You tell me girls. What would you do?