Just when you think things can't get any worse...

So. I lost custody of my son this week.
I don't know that I can fully explain how I feel. The day of the hearing? Shock. Since then? Anger. Sadness. More shock.
How shitty of a mother do I have to be to lose my son? I mean, everything Harold said on the stand and in the papers he filed was a lie, but that didn't matter to the judge. He ignored literally everything I said. Everything!
I never called the police. Harold called them before we came to his house (with plenty of notice) to pick Brenden up.
"You should not have called the police."-Judge
I only agreed to a one year trial of Brenden living over there, and it was because he was struggling in middle school. (At their house he would still be in elementary school).
Jessica agreed to having Brenden permanently come live with me."-Harold
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
Like I said, the judge believed EVERYTHING Harold said and ignored every word that came out of my mouth.
Not only does Brenden go to school over there now, but I am babysitting him every other weekend and for four hours on the Sundays when it's not my weekend.
I could not have been more completely fucked.
I just can't believe that this is happening.
I'm furious with myself. If I hadn't looked out for Brenden when he was struggling with school, I wouldn't be losing him now. If I hadn't trusted my husband to choose the lawyer I wouldn't have gotten such an idiot. If. If. If.
And our lawyer? Wow. I didn't feel good about him when we met him. His office was filthy and smelly and in the ghetto. He's very smug. Thinks he knows everything. The day of the hearing? He smells like a mixture of cigarette smoke and ass. Looks filthy. Hair not combed. Suit dirty. Doesn't seem to remember the things we talked about. We get into the court room and he pulls out this little file with mostly just the various papers that I gave him that showed that Brenden had done very well while living with us. No pen. No paper to take notes. Nothing written down that he needed to cover. Nothing for me to write things down on. No preparation.
Big shocker that I got my kid taken away.
When I saw the way that Glen was treating this, I knew that things between us would be over once I lost Brenden. I tend to be very stupidly optimistic at the most ridiculous times, so I let myself think for a while that things would work out. I always want to think that things will work out the way they should. I'm an idiot like that. But now he's gone and I don't know how to handle things.
Jackass keeps suggesting that we go to counseling. Really? We don't have money for groceries this week. Let's go to counseling. That will bring my son back and solve all my problems. Who says we have to feed the kids?
We're the perfect example of the people that don't get divorced because they can't afford to.
I need to finish all my freaking testing so I can get my license, but I can't think straight. Last night I took a few melatonin, hoping that they would help me sleep. It did, for a least a little while, so that was nice. The night before last I was up all night. I can't stop crying. I think of myself at 19. Pregnant and scared out of my mind, but still sure that I wanted him. Having him and bringing him home. Seeing him smile for the first time. It was so amazing that it made me cry. He was such a sweet baby. So happy. I just keep trying to figure out what I did wrong. Am I really being punished for trying to help him to better in school?
I do know that I can't handle another year (let alone a lifetime) of only seeing him every other weekend. We have a trial in April. From what I understand it'll probably just be the judge making all these orders permanent. I can't handle that either. If he won't let me be Brenden's mom, I think I'll have to ask him to not force me to be his babysitter. Mothers don't raise their kids every other weekend and for four hours on Sundays.
I just feel like a complete failure. I failed him. What else could I give? What else can I give? I don't know what I did wrong while raising him. I'm afraid that Glen will do the same thing when we get divorced and that I'll lose them all. That's another reason why I'm not in a hurry to start that process. My kids are everything to me.
I don't know what to do.