So.....yeah.

I was going through old posts recently to find one particular one. I can't remember the exact reason. While searching I did re-read some of my more recent posts. From the last year or so.
Yikes.
Depressed much?
The subject of depression has come up lately with some of the peeps I know from a scrappy message board. See, I went off my meds in May of last year. I had worked with my naturopath to slowly wean myself off the stuff I was taking. (Wellbutrin XR and I can't remember the name of the anti-anxiety med).
Going off the meds hit me hard. I slept a LOT. I hadn't felt like the meds were doing much for me when I was taking them. I was still as tired as I had been without them. Or so I thought. Holy crap, I went off those things and I could have slept all day. It was almost impossible to do anything. I couldn't motivate myself to even do things that I loved.
Then the money situation around here hit critical mass.
I got a job. Honestly, I didn't really think it through when I applied. The site said that the store wasn't hiring for the positions I had applied for. When they called I was excited. I mean, it's nice to be wanted right? There was something in my application that made me stand out, maybe? I think I'm a pretty good catch for the kinds of companies I can get a job with. (I'll try to not go off on my inability to get a decent job because I don't have a college degree or any experience. Seriously? I can't get experience if you won't give me a freaking job! Sorry, I said I'd try, that's no promise). So anyway, they hired me.
I was nervous about the drug test because I am somehow able to fail those without ever doing drugs.
Initially they gave me 10 hours or so a week. I was stressed. I thought that I needed to work as much as possible to actually help pay our bills. When they went ahead and started scheduling me full time I was completely unprepared.
Kinda lost my shit.
I'm not saying this to be dramatic, but I have never thought as much or as seriously about killing myself as I did all winter. I still needed to look into whether or not my life insurance would still pay out if I did it. I was trying to figure out how long it would take so that I would leave the kids unsupervised for the least amount of time before their dad got home without allowing him time to stop me. Thought about it a lot. I was so depressed that it was almost hard to breathe sometimes. It was crushing.
I honestly couldn't tell you what it is that's made me start to come out of that. All the issues I've had since going off the meds have eased up a lot lately. Maybe it's because we had a hope of being able to pay our freaking bills again. Maybe it's because I'm occasionally told that I can quit my job if I want. Granted, every time he tells me I can quit he changes his mind, but it's much easier to drag my sorry butt out of bed every day knowing that I can just stop if I want. Not that I would even know where to go and who to talk to.
The fact that I've had some energy lately has been amazing. I have hardly done a freaking thing since having the twins. I'm not exactly feeling quite like I did before getting pregnant with them, but it's a huge improvement. Makes me want to be back home even more so I could spend time with Tucker and start working out again. The exercising would only help my energy level and mood. Soon enough, I hope.
What's the point? Well, there are a few. One, going off anti-depressants sucks! Holy crap, does it suck. Two, I apologize. I do understand that I live a good life. I have a healthy family that I love more than anything. When you're in the depths of that kind of depression those aren't the things you think about. Three, I apologize some more. Things have weighed on me a lot. I have been a flake. I owe many people all sorts of things (calls, projects, etc). Needing to catch up on all that crap is what's getting to me now. You know when you're in so deep that you don't even know where to begin? I'm about there right now. I'm thinking that I need to go back to my old habit of making detailed lists of things that I need to do and when they're due to be finished by. When I can start going back and working on things I've never finished I'll know that it's time to throw a party.
It's gonna be a while.